Personal Astrolyzer

astrolyzerHumanity has been interested in astrology for centuries. Star Sign compatibility is an important part of modern life. Many people won’t even go for a coffee without knowing the other person’s zodiac sign.

So how do you find out this vital information? In the past you had to ask: “What’s your sign?” Effective but intrusive. Now modern technology can save you the embarrassment of having to ask such a personal question!

Seen someone you like at a bar or a party? Simply point your Personal Astrolyzer‘s sensor at them and press the button; your Personal Astrolyzer will quickly and reliably* analyse that person’s physiology and morphic fields to tell you their star sign! Use in Easy mode for a quick result or in Full Scan mode for a slightly slower but even more accurate reading.

Don’t wait! If you’re looking for love then buy the Personal Astrolyzer today and start discovering star signs without the fuss and embarrassment of asking!

* Please note: In Easy Mode the Personal Astrolyzer has an accuracy rate of approximately 8%. This rises to 96% in Full Scan mode. To use Full Scan mode insert samples target’s spittle, blood and urine and wait 24 hours for analysis.

Solar Recharger

solar-rechargerDespite all the advances in technology over the last few millennia there’s one thing that still causes us problems: solar power.

You know what it’s like: you find a nice planet, terraform it and grow from a humble collection of habitation pods to a mighty civilisation. Everything’s going well – until one day the scientists discover your sun is running down. Or even worse, it’s about to go nova. Then you have to evacuate to a new planet and start all over again.

There’s nothing more stressful than moving planet: you’ll be living out of cargo transports for centuries; no matter how well you pack some historic monuments are bound to get broken; and the tea bags always end up buried underneath the heaviest mountains.

Well say goodbye to all that! Our new Solar Recharger can relight any sun on the verge of going out. Not only that but it can also calm a sun about to go nova! All you have to do is put it in orbit at the recommended distance and press the correct button – red to relight, green to calm.

Since the Solar Recharger can harness the energy of nova stage suns and use it to recharge dying ones it needs no batteries! Simply send a small space fleet to the nearest potential nova, stock up on energy and bring it home for your own use. (Please obtain permission from any indigenous race before tapping suns).

So what are you waiting for? Send today for your Solar Recharger and you’ll never have to move planet again.

Please note: No usable serviceable parts inside. Tampering with the unit will void your warranty and much of nearby space.

The Dingbat Zapper

zapferAre you troubled by dingbats? If so then you’re not alone. Ever since the Reality Breach they’ve become a major irritation for many of us. Even if you don’t suffer from the biters such as ding1, ding2or the fearsome ding3, a buzzing swarm of ding4 or ding5 can be a real nuisance.

At last there’s a solution! We’re proud to introduce the Dingbat Zapper. This clever little unit emits our patented font pheromone formula to attract the little pests. Like moths to a flame they fly into the unit and zzzapfff… dead dingbat!

It’s simple, it’s effective and above all it’s safe. Unlike old-fashioned font poisons, the Dingbat Zapper uses no dangerous chemicals. You don’t have to worry about harming your much loved pets, be they cute Gill Sans or best of breed Futura, the pheromone attracts dingbats only. Most other typefaces won’t even know it’s there.

So send for your Dingbat Zapper today and end dingbat misery forever!

Please note: For safety reasons we recommend you ensure any serif fonts in the house have had their tails docked.